SOS

Assalamualaikum.

After 3 times typing and I still couldn't find a way for it to not hurt anybody's feeling, I decided to save it for later. There's just no way to write about family and parenting and not cause harm even if the intention was good. So moving on to my favorite topic, me! Vain much?

Lately I realize I'm just full of emotion. Not that I wasn't an emotional mess before, but now I have more on my plate. I started to think of the repercussion of my actions. I lacked that before. I used to put my feelings first and be damned about everybody else. But now, I'm torn trying to do a balancing act between caring for my feeling and caring for others. When I have too much on my plate, I often put others first and end up sacrificing my feelings.

Right now I'm in a rut. I don't know the purpose of my life. I'm not happy and I just don't know what makes me happy anymore. I try to turn to Allah for guidance but it's hard to do so when you have been estranged for so long. How do you thaw such a cold heart? I hope someone could help me because I don't think I'm quite as strong as I used to be. And I wasn't very strong to begin with.

I had a feeling I was moving in the right direction. I hate to see it crumbles just because I let my feelings get in the way. Again!

I always have a picture of where to go from where I am. When I can't see a way to get to where I wanna be, it is when I'm all out of sorts. It's always my way or no way at all. What happens my I can't have it my way? I really try to get help but all I've managed is a faint SOS. I really don't know how to say it out loud that I needed help. People can help show the way but they can't walk it for you. What if you don't really get what they're trying to show? How do you really ask for help when you really doesn't know what you want in life?

For the longest time, all I could remember wanting is to be a great mom. How to get there is a mystery to me. All I know is, I'm far from reaching that goal.

That aside, I have a long journey in front of me. InsyaAllah. Right now, I need to find a way to leap this one small/big hurdle. And try not to dread the 'prize' for doing it.